“Can’t you just take a joke?”: Victim Blaming and Rape Culture – Amy Shackelford ’14

In case you aren’t paying attention, sexism is far from dead.

In fact, to some, sexism is really just one big joke.

On Sunday evening while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, a particular post on the “Wake Forest Class of 2017” caught my attention; A post inviting friends over for a “friendly” game of truth or dare. Reading further, I realized this game would be far from friendly. The theme would be “Country Bros & Disney Hoes” and freshmen boys responded with questions like, “Do I need to bring girls or will they be provided?” It became very clear to me that these boys weren’t just ignorant; they were unapologetically sexist and misogynistic. I couldn’t just let the commentary sit there without any voice of reason (or at least, decency) so I decided to comment, hoping to shed some light.

After articulating that I felt dehumanized as a woman by their posts, their posts just dug deeper into misogyny—no longer border-lining bullying and sexual harassment but stomping right into the realm.

Replaying the commentary is hardly the point. Find the image at the bottom and cringe for yourself. What’s at stake here is not just the complete disregard for human decency (which is vividly present) but the normalization of patriarchal oppression and its impact on sexual assault.

1 in 4 college women will be raped. Approximately, 2 out of 3 sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, usually a friend or acquaintance. Over half of sexual assaults go unreported and 97% of rapists never spend a day in jail.

And yet, when I stood up and pointed out that their language was sexist and misogynistic—it was a laughing matter to them.  This is rape culture.

Rape culture is the environment in which rape and sexual violence are normalized and excused by popular culture. Have you ever been in a group where a sexist joke or comment is remarked and the one person who points out how un-funny it is, is the one put down? I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been told, “can’t you just take a joke?”

I love comedy and for the people that know me, I quite enjoy laughing. But here’s why I can’t take THIS joke and neither should you.

Because first, it is not a joke at all.

These “jokes” are just a mechanism in a much larger scheme to silence women. By objectifying women and phrasing it as a joke, it seeks to normalize very real, raw acts of oppression.  It takes the seriousness out of a very serious issue that many on Wake’s campus face regularly.

So yeah, you may not mean it. But when you speak about women like objects, the more society begins to treat us like objects—because if you can’t distinguish me from a doormat, how likely are you to ask for consent?

So in a culture where jokes marginalizing a certain group are “the norm,” how do you cope? The answer is, you don’t. It doesn’t have to be this way. Checking your privilege is an integral part to making sure that these jokes don’t happen and when they do, they are called into question. So when you utter a sexist, racist, or offensive joke that silences a group’s experience and are called out on it—step back, apologize, and let that person speak. We check our privilege by announcing, “Hey, you’re right. Just because this isn’t my lived experience, doesn’t mean I can’t speak up for yours.”

It’s time that we made a commitment to calling out offensive language, calling out ourselves included.  Language is how we construct meaning, understand the world, and too often, it is language that helps perpetuate the cycle of violence against women. We must be willing to reconstruct our lingo and call out misguided language in order to face the reality.

The reality is that every 2 minutes someone is sexually assaulted.

Your words matter.

Change the reality by changing your words.

…I dare you.

– Amy Shackelford ’14